Pick Your Own Title.

It’s late…er…very early where I live. I just spent the last few hours enjoying a few movies with my niece. I spent the afternoon with my brother and nephew. I made supper for my mom and I and it tasted incredible.

But here I sit on my bedroom floor, typing out a post on an obscure little blog to people I’ll never meet. I’m sitting here because despite all these wonderful things today, here I sit with two full bottles of pills and some disgusting whiskey. I hate whiskey. My mom found it in my room when she cleaned it while I was away. Funny. I’ve never bought whiskey so I don’t know where it came from.

I wonder about things. Am I headed in the right direction education wise? Am I ever going to find that someone to spend the rest of my life with? What happens after we die? Is there a God? Does he know about me? I have such a hole in my heart. Something is missing in my life. That spot used to be filled with my Christian faith but over the last years I have wondered if I am simply a gullible person who bought into the whole idea simply to find a way to deal with my father’s passing.

I’m a gullible type of person. I’m too trusting of people. My faith really did bring me a lot of joy and purpose to my life. It gave me a reason to wake up everyday and keep trekking through life, regardless of its ups and downs. I feel empty inside now. Life without some type of faith in a greater being seems so pointless. Why carry on if there is nothing at the end of the road…nothing to look forward to?

I am probably just rambling because it’s late and I’m tired. I’m tired but won’t be able to sleep unless I take my meds. Do you realize how much it sucks to be dependent on meds to simply sleep? I lie awake the whole night if I don’t take them. Even the second night, I can’t fall asleep without them. I’ve tried.

You’re probably thinking “that girl is seriously depressed”. Really though, I don’t think I am. I feel separated from everyone, despite the interaction today. They are all separate people with their separate lives without me.

I don’t really know where this post was going. I would feel better if I knew that I would see my dad again. What if we just die and that’s it? We become the sand and fade away from memory. I feel as though I’ve forgotten who he really was anymore. I just want to see him and to tell him that I love him.

This post is complete nonsense.

Catching Up Again…

I finally have a proper moment to sit down and recant the tale of my life. I did end up using the writing tool with my school T and found that it worked out quite well. I brought up four issues in the email and we discussed two big ones during our next session. It was still hard to discuss and I spent a lot of the session dissociating to another realm but all in all, it wasn’t horrendous.  School T is suggesting I tell home T about the contents of our discussion so I can develop a plan for the issues mentioned.

Enter BIG ISSUE. I’ve never told anyone about the topic in mention until the email with school T. It is a certain issue that was more suited to a female than a male to begin with – I can’t even imagine having the same discussion with home T.  As I sit here and try to envision the whole situation, my heart beats a little faster and the anxiety kicks in. Impossible.

For the sharing through writing though, that definitely helped the sessions with school T. No doubt about it. I would recommend this type of strategy to others who have difficulty expressing important things in session. Sometimes if someone else says the hard words and all you have to do is nod or make minimalistic responses – it is a whole lot easier!

I did eventually hear from home T through email. I haven’t had the time to think or write anything to him though. His response was a little off so I think he misread my email. Either way, I haven’t responded and won’t since I have a session soon. I can’t duplicate what I sent to school T and so, I am at a loss for what to write now since the school T issue is the main player.

I’m still on the meds – all 3 of them. Things have been relatively stable quite honestly. I don’t know if it’s the meds or what but I’m not complaining. I’m just happy to be out of the pit I was in when I went back to school.  I have never been a “crier” but lately I can’t control it at times. On the weekend I was taking a shower and just kept crying over and over. Someone at my psychiatrist’s office tried calling me to check in but I never returned the call. I was still mad about the prescription. It wasn’t her fault but I was still pissed.  I have another psych. appointment next week. Oh joy. I’ll have to see her and the psych. What a great confrontation that will be. Kill me now.

Things are looking up right now and I’m actually pretty positive. I hate how things can swing in and out sometimes…but I’m thankful for a good day today. Here’s hoping it will last for the week!

More to Come…

I just wanted to quickly post that I have not fallen off the edge of the world. This past week has been very busy with various school projects and papers and the long trek back home for placement. I promise an update soon!

Meds, Writing, and Meltdowns: A Story of Wonder

A quick update from previous posts.

Medication: I eventually called the psychiatrist and got her understudy (the psychiatric nurse – no joke) via voicemail. I left a message asking what she thought I should do because I was tired of being on the medication and that the prescription from the week before never actually got through and I’d had enough of the whole medication adventure.  We talked later and she said she would put the prescription through again, but then thought twice and decided to call the pharmacy herself to double check. Oh yes, the prescription was there. I don’t know why me calling three times on different days didn’t result in a “yes we have a prescription for you” but anyways, I was able to go and pick it up.  So yes, back on the meds.

Sharing Through Writing: I contacted both T’s to see if this would be an option we could explore to help open up the lines of communication. I heard back from school T and she was positive about it and said yes. Hmm, been three days and I haven’t heard back from home T. Not sure what that is about but the last time I emailed him he didn’t get back to me for several days either. I thought maybe because it could have been a holiday-away weekend for him but I am not going to re-email. I plan on trying to write some stuff down tonight to send to school T to discuss for this week’s session. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Unbelievable Meltdown…

I finally received my placement evaluation for my graduate program and was devastated by my grades. My mentor had told me “Oh don’t worry about anything. There’s nothing to be concerned about” but had warned me because I was a beginner in this field that I would be in the “average” range. Average? AVERAGE? I understand that she could want to leave some room for me to grow into as I build on success, gain more confidence, etc., but average? I am not confident in many things, but in this, I am quite confident of my abilities. To be told, then seen that I am barely even average in her view, was devastating. I quickly put my evaluation back in my bag but was haunted by it all day. I didn’t tell any of my peers because I knew none of them had an evaluation that included a “does not meet expectations” level in one area like I did. How depressing and shocking. I would have thought my mentor would have at least told me before getting the shock of my life. Thankfully I thought quick and talked to my friend in the same profession who had some positive advice, a roommate who offered a consoling hug when I couldn’t hold back the tears (which is something I rarely do in front of others). I decided to try and be proactive and made an appointment with a professor for today to discuss the evaluation and get his opinion on what I should do. I also, in a panic, emailed my mom and tried calling home. Oddly enough, no answer although there could have been up to 5 people at the house with my sister and her family living there now. Anyways, she emails me later on and tells me a story about my dad who died several years ago, that I didn’t know. He had been in the same situation as me and was harshly graded on a placement. It was bittersweet. I was glad to know something else about my dad whom I dearly miss, but sad that it had to be something unhappy to tie us together. And, it’s another reminder that I don’t have him here for support. I miss him.

With all of that on my mind, I’m trying to get through this week of insane classes and assignments before I head back to the same placement and mentor for three more very….long…weeks. I just need to find a way to get through it all and survive until December when I can come back to school before the Christmas vacation.

It should prove interesting in regards to how this all turns out. Stay tuned. Should be a good story.

Sharing Through Writing With Your Therapist

I have been haunted by my inability to bring issues up in therapy. I’m sure some of you can relate. You know deep down you want to talk about a certain issue or topic, but find it difficult to go about bringing it up in a way that you can just share a little bit now and a little more later on.

I’ve found it helpful to say to regular T that “I’ll tell you but you don’t get to ask me anymore questions about it today.” It works fairly well. Once you get some parts out, no matter how small, the rest is able to come out a bit at a time. It doesn’t seem so daunting when you know you don’t have to lay it all out on the line at once.  Sometimes I like do that – lay it all out at once – but sometimes issues don’t lend themselves well to that method.

I have been having a hard time talking about a few particular issues and because of this, I feel like I’ve been spinning my tires a bit in therapy. I don’t yet feel as though I can share such intimate things with school T (and feel as though it is almost a betrayal to tell her and not my regular T) and I’m a bit concerned that maybe I really don’t want to share these particular issues because I’m worried about what it is going to bring up.

My current life path is causing a lot of disturbance in the emotional sense because it is causing me to think about some particular aspects of my past.   I think it is the reason why I am genuinely struggling. I’ve been contemplating trying to write all of this out.. I’ve tried to journal and have found it exceedingly depressing and not helpful. I have never showed anyone these writings. I was wondering if I was able to write everything down in a way that I feel I have successfully expressed myself perfectly, if giving it to my therapist(s) would help to get talking about this stuff so I can get through it.

The thought about handing over the writing work is hugely anxiety provoking. And when would I do it? At the beginning of the session? The end? Before via email?  I sort of wanted to hand write it so that wouldn’t lend itself well to email unless I just scanned it in and sent it like that.  Has anyone done this before? What is your experience with it if you have?  Did your therapist suggest it or did you? Was it helpful? Pro’s and con’s?

I anticipate that I will be freaking out either way and I dread how either T would bring it up. What if I panic and shut down? It all seems so dangerous emotionally, but really, that is what I’m in therapy for right? To get this stuff out deal right?

I feel really stuck about this. I would love to hear your experiences and thoughts!

Being Responsible and Having to Rely on Yourself

Something that keeps coming up for me these days, is the realization that in the end, I’m the only one who is looking after me. I can’t fully trust anyone (even myself sometimes, I admit).  Even if I can’t trust myself, I’m responsible for myself and it’s my responsiblity to look out for my best interests.

I can’t rely on my regular therapist.

I can’t rely on my school counsellor.

I can’t rely on my GP.

I can’t rely on my psychiatrist.

They all will fail me in some respect. They cannot fulfill the need I am seeking. Nothing can. Ultimately, everyone will fail us. I can’t deal with failure, which is why I probably have issues in trusting anyone. I know that someday they will ultimately disappoint me or be unable to be a dependable source of support in a time of need and I alone will have to choose to survive.

This makes me feel so alone.

No More Meds

I called the pharmacy where my psychiatrist was supposed to call/fax in the new prescription again today. No prescription for me. Thinking she may have called the other pharmacy she mentioned, I called there too. No prescription.

I am so pissed off. I’ve decided that other than the meds I take so I can sleep, I’m not taking any meds anymore. I would stop taking the meds for sleeping, but I literally just lay there in bed all night and can’t sleep.

I’m not going to bother calling her either. All of this is just bullshit.

A dark dark place

I talked to my psychiatrist personally today and she’s decided to add in another medication slowly and then taper off the Effexor. I called the drug store where she was going to call it into and they said they haven’t received it but I can call tomorrow. Well, since it’s a friday, if they don’t have it today, I don’t see how they’ll have it tomorrow. Great. Wonderful.

I saw school T today and it was okay. She convinced me to give her any and every medication (prescription or otherwise) to her for the weekend except for what I would need on a normal basis for the next three days. I feel bad for her. I think I’ve really scared her. In some ways I don’t care and in other ways I feel bad for her.

I really miss home T. This is literally the most I have ever missed him. Genuinely missed him.

There is a birthday/halloween party going on downstairs but I’m cowering in my room. I don’t fit in with them. We don’t share the same beliefs or morals. I don’t fit in anywhere.  I hate pretending to be someone else just to fit the social level of “normal” these days. It is too hard.  I don’t even have the energy to cut for some relief.

Um, what?

My psychiatrist said I could call her if things hadn’t changed in two weeks and that we could talk about adjusting the meds then. I called and played phone tag with her associate who is a social worker.

She said she would get in touch with the psychiatrist and see what she wanted to do. I get a phone call back wanting to know specifics about the suicidal ideation, how long I’ve been at the current med dosage, and when I will be back in the area to see her.

1. I get the suicidal ideation question.

2. We figured this out the last time I was there….? I have no idea. Can’t she just look in her recording book for when she started prescribing me at that particular dosage?

3. She knows when I will be back because I have an appointment for then. DUH! She knows I am back and forth.

There is nothing more annoying than having pointless conversations with people who apparently are too lazy to look up the information. I feel like saying “just forget it”. The only problem with that is that I think it would piss them both off and I don’t want to piss them off.  This is the last thing I want to be dealing with when I feel like crap.  Maybe I should just give up on the medication route – this doesn’t seem to be working.  I just don’t care anymore. It just seems pointless.

Not So Hot…

I was really looking forward to coming back to my new “home” but now that I’m here, it doesn’t feel so great. I’m still fighting the sickness that is going around here (cough & cold) so I don’t know if it is just that which is getting me down or what. I just don’t feel really good. I don’t know what is wrong. I hope after going to class tomorrow and seeing some more of my friends I will feel better.  I was just hoping all of this was finally behind me. At least I already have a therapy appointment late in the week if things don’t pick up, but this still sucks.